I have to confess that I haven’t watched Raw OR Smackdown in almost 3 weeks. I’ve stuck strictly to reading the results and sometimes watching on WWE’s website, but refusing to be part of the problem by giving them ratings by viewing their crap. I’ve pinned part of the problem with the programming to 3 simple people that I’ve dubbed as the Three Faces of Evil in the WWE. Because the second that these people entered WWE programming in some fashion is when everything started going to hell. So without further a due, here’s the list:
Michael Cole: That’s right, and those of you that read my work shouldn’t be surprised by this at all. Michael Cole aka The Screeching Monkey, The Bowel Movement of Journalism, the Shaved Ape in a cheap JCPenny suit and of course the cancer of WWE Commentary. Look, I didn’t mind the guy when all he did was call the matches and even at one point got puked on by Booker T. He was a bland, boring tool but at least he did his job. Then some jackass at the pack of dumbasses that is WWE Creative decided he needed to be a heel. It started on NXT which only led to the show being unwatchable because it was pretty much an hour of Monkey Cole kissing the Miz’s ass and pissing on guys like Daniel Bryan. Then in season 3, they decided to make him a sexist asshole who hated being there because it was an all divas show. Personally I think that he couldn’t stand the fact that this guy couldn’t land either of these girls even with a paper bag on his head with Justin Timberlake’s face on it. Then again, season 3 of NXT was probably the closest he got to being near a woman without giving his credit card number first. The worst part of his ability as an announcer is that he keeps jumping back and forth between his normal style and his heel style and it was all to build up to a match between him and Lawler that they decided to stretch further past Wrestlemania, despite the fact that it was the godawful match of the card to the point that it made Scott Steiner vs Triple H look like Hogan vs Andre. Then they put Lawler, JR and Cole as a team which didn’t work and that made the WWE look more and more stupid for not realizing that the fans wanted JR and King back, not a trio of those two with a screaming, temper tantrum throwing monkey. And as far as people going on about how he’s the best heel since Bobby Heenan, he’s not. Bobby Heenan didn’t climb up on tables or flip flop between face and heel. Not to mention as a heel, Heenan still did his damn job. And now with this whole stupid Cole Challenge where he’ll quit if he loses, all I can say for if that does happen, what took the WWE so long to do something that should’ve been done six months ago? It probably wouldn’t have been as bad if we didn’t have to deal with this worthless butt-puppet on every single show and PPV that the WWE has. When they had him host the press conference for Mania and was getting booed out of the building, he was all frustrated and upset about it. Hello???? Newsflash Monkey, your dumb ass wanted to be a heel, now you are one and frankly, WWE created a monster when they molded you into it with the only problem being is that the monster that you are is a ratings killer. He definitely inspires a lot of people….to reach for the remote and make use of the mute button.
Johnny Ace/John Laryngitis: Yeah I’m aware that’s not his name, but I don’t give a damn about this raspy voiced, corporate sleaze enough to actually know his name. We all knew he was gonna do something to overthrow Triple H, but that doesn’t mean that any of us were wanting that to happen. The only thing dryer than this guy’s voice is his personality. There’s no emotion on the guy and he seriously looks uncomfortable to hold a microphone in front of a crowd. They make it out like him being the GM is temporary, but if they really want that to happen, then they’d take him off of WWE TV before the year is out. I’ve seen a lot of different GMs from Teddy Long to Vickie Guerrero to Stephanie McMahon to Paul Heyman to Mike Adamle to Eric Bischoff and even a goofy laptop with emails read by the monkey described above. And all of them had a lot more personality than the Dynamic Dumbass that is this ass-clown. There are moments where this guy actually makes me miss the laptop. Hell, even Mike Adamle wasn’t near as bad as this jackass. I mean he looks like it’s physically painful to be in front of a crowd, does he need a skateboard to feel comfortable doing that again? Or does somebody need to phone in Shane Douglas? And he acts like he’s surprised by the fact that he gets booed by the fans. What’s not to get? They don’t like the guy and don’t want to hear what he has to say and booing him is the only thing keeping the fans from going into a coma listening to this jerk-off.
Vickie Guerrero: With all due respect here and I’m sure or at least heard she’s nice in person and off camera, but she wouldn’t even have this job if she wasn’t married to Eddie Guerrero. When she went heel as a GM and started an on-screen relationship with Edge that was vomit inducing, that’s when things started to go south. She does generate heat wherever she goes, but is it really a good thing to have the kind of heat she generates? She can’t even get a promo across half the time and you can tell she gets frustrated with that. And yeah, now they’re trying her luck as a manager and some asking if she’s the greatest female manager of all time? Hell No, because she’s not even a great manager right now because the only reason she’s even called a manager is because there’s nobody else on the WWE Roster to be one. The worst part about her character is that it doesn’t evolve past what it is. It’s the same thing from her week in and week out and with most characters in wrestling, there is room to evolve and Vickie has yet to prove that she has that. The only positive I can say about her is that of the 3, she’s the lesser of the 3 evils but that’s not saying a lot there.
Nevertheless, of the many problems that the WWE has, here’s three of them right now. As for if removing all three of them will make things different, hard to say on that one because in order to have a solid answer, that would have to mean that the WWE grew some balls and decided to make an effort to change, but they won’t because they don’t. And every single day, it’s looking less and less likely that it will ever happen.
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