A lot of you are probably surprised that I would be writing anything about this guy. Given the fact that I think that this douche bag along with Vickie Guerrero and Michael Cole are the three of the people that I feel are doing more harm than good in the WWE, what could I possibly have to say about this guy that I haven’t already? Oh believe me, there is plenty that I can say about this guy because the saddest truth about all this is that the WWE just doesn’t get it with any of those three, especially John Laryngitis.
So yes, his team won at Wrestlemania thanks to Eve “Man-Jaw” Torres screwing with Zack (Woo Woo Woo, You BLEW IT!!!) Ryder’s head. So, now we have Mr Lack of Personality on both damn shows. Great, I guess this is how they make Smackdown worse. By adding an authority figure that nobody likes on either show. The guy has no personality and no entertaining or charismatic qualities whatsoever and yet EVERYBODY is acting he’s the perfect solution to make WWE cool again. So all the while people are giving this dumbass all the credit in the world, I’m left here asking one simple question that nobody seems to have an answer for: What the hell did this asshole ever do to deserve a top spot like this on WWE TV?
That’s not even a rhetorical question. I’m wondering what has this guy done to deserve the spot that he has right now. I’m of course talking about outside of the things that he’s notorious for such as being just a suit. I’m also talking about things other than him being just corporate sleaze, being a charismatic bomb in his wrestling career with success in absolutely nothing as an active wrestler and oh yeah, there’s also the fact that his entire legacy consists of being in his Road Warrior big brother’s shadow. Okay, so after listing all of those things, the guy has really done nothing for his career except kiss enough ass until the cows come home. The only real signature move that this guy seems to have is bending over backwards or jumping through hoops. For all we know, the only real nagging injury this guy has is spending so much time on his knees.
Some writers of the IWC think that because John Laryngitis is now in charge of both shows, that it’s like we’ve all won when the truth is we didn’t win when his team won at Mania, we lost. We lost because with this assclown and we’re stuck with one other person that is as annoying as hell along with Michael Cole and Vickie Guerrero, or four people if you include Johnny’s little sidekick Carlton Banks or as I know him better David “Dead Weight” Otunga. This brings about the question that I had already asked once before in why exactly “irritating and annoying” all of a sudden are considered to be pro wrestling gold these days. Not saying that heels don’t generally do that, but they do it within a certain degree. Why? Because if you exceed that, you leave people pissed off to the point where they don’t want to watch. I know this from experience for every time I’ve tried to watch Raw and got so irritated with having the mute the TV because of the Shrieking Shaved Ape that is Michael Cole burying the WWE product from start to finish.
The other problem with Johnny Boy is the fact that there is no character evolution with his on screen character. Vince to an extent even had that and to a lesser degree, Bischoff had the potential for it, but never utilized it. What I mean is that like most heels, there’s one spec that they have to where a face turn is actually possible. John doesn’t have that because there’s not one likable trait that he has. He’s boring, lacks energy and charisma, bad on the microphone, and has a voice that is so annoying that it makes Stephanie McMahon singing “Wind Beneath My Wings” sound like Sarah McLachlan. Yeah I’m aware I just used a Sarah McLachlan reference, deal with it.
Bottom line is that I’m not just saying that John Lauranitis is a bad on-screen character. I’m saying he got a job that he doesn’t deserve to have and that most guys that work on-screen deserve more than a guy who did all his work backstage. Top that off with you’re giving an on-screen role to an asshole who has handed out more pink slips than Ric Flair has had to pay alimony checks. And as far as people saying “he had success overseas when he was a wrestler” that’s because he couldn’t hack it here cause he was so horrible, he made jobbers look like Flair and Sting. We’re stuck with the shrieking shaved ape that is Michael Cole at the announcer’s table, Vickie Guerrero with her only way of getting over is re-hashing the same line and tired gimmick she’s used the last couple years and John Laryngitis with his sidekick Carlton trying to be something that he’s not now nor will he ever be: Vince. When will this nightmare come to an end?